Countdown to my sisters’ wedding.

As excited as I was when my sister first mentioned that she was gonna get married -mostly because I had been drowning myself in wedding shows for two months- I can’t help but hate how close it is.

I am completely unprepared for it, mentally, physically and emotionally.

I’m gonna explain:

Mentally: I have to wear a dress, which includes heels too high for a tomboy like me to wear as if I had been wearing them since before I finished high school. I’m very uncomfortable being “hot” or however you call it when a woman dresses up and men want them. I’m use to being myself and not having to distroy my feet for attention.

Physically: I don’t exactly have weight to lose, I just have balance to gain -back to the high heels thing- and I haven’t worked out in months so I feel like a mess.

Emotionally: The whole family will be there and since I know I’m not in the best of terms with many of them…most of them. I know all the aunts and uncles are just waiting to show off my generations kids (aka, cousins) to see who looks, acts, the best.  I also recently discovered that I may end up going alone -given to a few of my last posts I think its pretty obvious. 

Every year, to every family gathering, I go date-less. It’s as if the universe were against me showing up with a man by my side.

This whole thing is like the prom/runway kind of event. Even though the attention is suppose to be for my sister, for whatever reason, the family has always tried to make me feel like I’m the crappy one.

-I’d like to consider myself the “Cinderella”, minus the blonde hair, cleaning, and step-family members.

I must work with what I have…and find a date.

I fear that my family must think I’m a lesbian for never showing up or talking about dating a guy (because it’s non of their buisness). I say that they must think that way because a cousin of mine, they always say he’s gay, which he might be, but they never miss a chance to take a swing towards his “gay-ness”.

Whatever the case may be, I, for once in my life, would like to “win” this prom/runway.

Not because I want to please anyone but because I remember that my grandfather was one of the few people who noticed that I was always being compared, no matter how much I tried to hide from being compared. He once glanced at my cousin who was passing by, turned to me and said, “you have to do better”. I knew he knew what was happening, I feel like I must do better.

So in the spirit of my grandfather and a little bit for myself; I jump towards this challange, I may have to hire someone to go with me though, I don’t think I’m charming enough to find someone in 3 months.

 

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Explaination of that last post in a sober and well rested manner.

I didn’t forget the exsistence of this blog, nor the past entry I posted, but I really needed to give myself time to be able to explain it so that I wouldn’t sound like a complete moron.

Small things in large doses have come my way.

My small trip to Las Vegas, which it’s true intention was to create some sort of spark; turned out to be a true flizzle in the city of lights/sin… or whatever people like to call it these days. I had a bit of a thing for a guy while I was there and while in Mexico, I decided to keep in touch with everyone because, everyone meant something to me. Even if -being realistic here- this guy was someone who I saw once every 4 months.

Long story short, it didn’t work. Mr. Honesty was short on man parts to talk face to face when I asked for us to meet again, even if “talking” was his idea in the first place. Appearently he only knows how to comunicate while drunk, and sometimes not even like that.

I was anxious to get out of Las Vegas, not because things had changed so much, but because I realized how much I didn’t want to deal with anything. I seriously thought that giving time and space was the best thing to do… before I exploded and became a true mess.

As you can see, I was too irritated and I didn’t want to blame anyone. When I talked to a friend of mine who I told him I had “guy problems” he only said, “I can’t imagine someone like you having trouble getting a guy.”

The only reason that comment made me upset was because he didn’t see anything wrong with me, just a case of “bad luck” -so to speak. Which I think to a point is more painful than being a horrible person. At least if you’re horrible, you know you don’t deserve anything good, but how does that make you better when it’s not the case?

When I got back, I was strangly relieved and all I wanted to do was see my friends, go to the mall, walk around, buy things I didn’t care for and maybe get drunk at a bar on the weekend.

I did none of those things.

Still, I went back to work and lied, just so I wouldn’t get fired.

Needless to say I think lying caught up to me, because I’ve been doing horribly at work. At this point I fear for my job. I don’t exactly like it, but I need it and now that I have no love interest to run away with blindly; like some stupid Julia Roberts movie or something, I need that job.

Now I have 3 days to put on my big girl pants and fix this mess, I don’t think I’ll get fired but I do think I’ll  be carefully watched, which I really hate.

 Just goes to show, what happens in Vegas, can be kinda pointless.

Ps. I read that last post, it made little to -no sence. That’s what I’m like when I try to sound rational with only 3 hours of sleep.

Oops.

When your right ear itches…

You know that itch you get in your ear that not even if you try and clean your ear over and over, does it go away?

Well, I’ve had that all day today. At first -and to a certain point I still refuse to- believe in such a superstition. So even if an actual person came to mind every time I had the itch, did I actually pay attention to it. I remember asking several times what it meant but appearently we are all lost.

By the way, as we speak, my ear itches.

I tried texting a potentcial lover of mine asking for us to meet. I was quickly shut down and he had been the image that came to mind all day. Now, I know that since the last time we talked we seemed to be in good terms yet, I knew something wasn’t right.

As usual my boldness had interfiered and maybe to a certain point, annoyed him.

So I was trying to be nice about an hour ago and explained that I was acting a bit weird (since I had been drinking the night before) and that I was sorry if I freaked him out.

He so far has not answered adn I’ll take that as a strong YES.

I want to clean up this mess and maybe even posting this isn’t the best idea, but all my friends are either too far or are too far into there sleep, that they will not answer me.

I hope this whole mess gets fixed I do like him and I want something to work out.

Yet, if I must lose another, so be it. I have a few more good years in me -says the 23 year old with little hope aka me.

My ear continues to itch! This is frustrating because I want to know what he thinks rather than be sitting here in paranoia and lost in wondering thoughts.

I hate to call this over, I don’t know how much I have to fight, or if I even should anymore, but I want something to be done.

I fear that I might do something stupid instead of actually thinking things through and let time heal them. But I believe that right now, time is not my biggest friend.

To call, or not to call? That is the question.

Ps. I’m going to read this tomorrow -I’m really tired right now, not drunk, even if it kinda means the same thing- I’m gonna probably get rid of it.

Meanwhile, enjoy.

I should be in love?

Even if it has already been a few days since this happend, I think I´ve spent the past few days thinking about it and pondering in what way I want to approach this before I leap into a mess of words and not make myself clear.

I still don´t think I´m gonna make much sence but it´s worth the shot.

On Friday night, I went out with a good friend of mine to her generations graduation party. In these parties, they tend to make them “all nighters”, so in advance I asked to show up later for work.

So we ended up at a store to buy cheap wine and more drinks to take in.

When we showed up, the place seemed empty; I was bored already.
The music was bad and the band seemed to not even care if they played well.

Still, I stood around and put on my best party face.

After a while, a co-worker showed up and talked about how crummy his day had been and I was completely happy to start seeing familiar faces, so I tried to cheer him up, I talked to him and tried to make him forget about how bad his day was.

The more me and my friend walked around, the more familar the faces became. I saw a guy who I had met on Myspace a few years back. I always thought that meeting him was one of the strangest ways to meet someone.

He added me on Myspace and I had never seen him before, I never talked to him either. So one day at an art expo in a school, I saw him and we found each other familiar. He had a bit of a crush on a ex-friend of mine, so I never made much about him. My friend would go on about how annoying he was because he made a painting for her. I thought it was clever but she didn´t care.

So a few months after that, I saw him at the opening of a store in California. He asked me for my number and insisted we went out, of course by then my friend had more than blown him off. 

I agreed, but we never got the chance to.

So I saw him again a few months ago, he seemed weird, I started talking to him but he seemed like he didn´t want to talk to me, so I stopped caring. I thought it was a shame since he -like me- liked art and I thought we had something in common.

Now, I have to talk about this Friday.

I saw him there again, with another guy I had seen at work. It turned out that they were cousins and his cousin, has a thing for my friend. So I started talking to this guy and we talked about art and what he was up to, he seemed great and very interested in me.

My friend then mentioned that she had to go back to the car and get something, so the guys offered to walk with us to the car.

We -like teenage kids- paired up; so I was talking art with my guy and my friend got the cousin. As soon as we stepped outside, my friends best friend, showed up. Her best friend showed up with two other guys who seemed lost and I took a look at a tall light brown haired guy with light skin. As soon as we locked eyes, I introduced myself with a smile. -coutesy of the wine- 

We told everyone we’d meet them inside, that we were heading for the car.

All 3 guys walked in and I was still talking art to the guy next to me.

When we went back in, it was as if we had built a little gang and me and my friend were the only girls allowed -which, I had no problem with-.

I saw that on the side the light skinned brunette, would look over a lot and I was still with the art guy and his cousin, while my friend bailed and stood off on the side to talk to her best friend. At some point, they made a comment about my bad wine and I told him that I was gonna have other people taste it to get their opinions. I turned and walked over to the 3 guys on the side and asked for their opinion. The brunette smelled it first -I felt like I was dealing with a snob as he did that- he tasted it and said: It´s like wine with lemon, like Squirt. I told him, that it was close enough, then he smiled at me and said: Sprite? I smiled and nodded.

His friends tasted the bad wine too, no one liked it, for the obvious reason: it was bad.

As this was happening, I felt a slight push on the back of my knee and I turned to see who it was; it was the art guy with a smile on his face that said: Ok, now come back here.

I had a confused look on my face with a bit of a smile -thanks to the wine- and laughed a little. I turned back and said I would be back.

So I went back to the art guy and he had a smile on his face, but I could see he was upset because I had left – I was buzzed, not stupid- and I started talking to him.

I told him I´d go to the bathroom and he said he would join me because he too had to go. I said fine and as I walked away the brunette pulled me aside and asked me where I was going. He asked me if I wanted him to go and I said: you can go if you want to. Meaning, if you need to go to the bathroom, by all means, don’t let me stop you. So as I walked away, I felt the brunette walking by me, I turned looking for the art guy and he was gone. I was upset and I felt like I had done something wrong. Yet, I went to the bathroom.

When I came out the brunette was waiting for me, holding my giant cup of wine.

-sorry to break it to you, but it wasn’t a fancy cup/glass-

I looked for the art guy and saw him further away with his cousin. I went over to them and I talked to the art guy and asked him if he was mad at me, his cousin was quick to start attacking me by saying I left him.

To be clear, I turned and the guy was gone. I really had to go to the bathroom, you know, wine does that to you.

So the art guy just laughed with his I’m-having-a-good-fake-time-because-I-hate-you face. I told him, that we were gonna head to the other side of the party and then the cousin said: Ok, go get your friend and all four of us can go. I told him, that those were her friends and I wasn´t gonna exclude anyone, because I wasn’t gonna exclude people who weren’t even there for me.

The cousin made a face and I walked away -almost slipped on some drink that was spilled on the floor and I think that was some sort of sign- .

So I told everyone that I was back and that we could leave.

As soon as the cousin and the art guy, saw that all the guys were going with us, the cousin looked at me and said they were gonna stick around longer and that they’d meet us up later.

When we headed back, I stood off on the side and talked to the brunette, we talked about art and traveling and adventures and things we wanted to do, for about an hour. By then, I needed to go to the bathroom again. I told him that I hated cutting him off but that I had to leave. He insisted on going with me, but my friend had the toilet paper so I was going with her.

While we were at the bathroom, my friend told me how much the cousin liked her, but that she didn’t like him. I know what kind of guys she likes and I knew he wasn’t it.

When we got back, the cousin was standing off on the side and I started talking to him, asking him about the art guy. He said he was on the other side of the place talking to some friends of his.

Then the cousin confessed that he had a crush on my friend and wanted me to help him out. I felt trapped, I wanted to talk to the art guy and get to know him, but at the same time I wanted to talk to the brunette, so I stayed with the cousin thinking that at some point he would say something useful about the art guy -which never happened- . I tried to put him down easy by saying my friend is a really busy person and that even if she wanted to hang out with everyone, sometimes she puts off some people to do other things.

After a while he left and I was talking to the brunette again. I couldn’t believe that I had found someone who I had so much in common with and I was happy about that.

At some point I was talking to the brunette, I heard someone yell out my name. I turned and looked around and I saw no one. It wasn’t till I looked by the door that I saw the art guy walking out, he didn’t look over at me or anything so I felt that he was very inmature for that -or drunk, however you see it- and I was upset that he never showed up again to talk to him.

The brunette and I spent around 4 hours talking and he spoke of things like as if he was getting a live signal of what goes on in my head.

When he was about to leave, he asked me: So do I have to go out with you to see you again?

I never thought that I wouldn´t see him again, not even now. I just figure he’ll always be there or that I’ll see him eventually. He also said: I guess destiny will have us meet again.

I got his number, -I lost my phone for a few days, found it the next day..talk about great timing huh?- and he left.

After an event happens, -usually one with a male- I have to stop and analize it. So here goes; He mentioned that he was surprised that he met me, that he never figured to meet someone like me. Now here´s the bad thing: He was drunk and/or drinking, which at the end of the night, they always mean the same thing.

He mentioned that he wanted to see me again, here’s the bad thing: I´ve been told that before, by guys who are also drinking and I never see them again.

He talked a lot about traveling and taking chances because you only live once, etc. Here’s the bad thing: He also said, he’d leave people behind, because you come into this world alone and you leave alone, so why stop yourself from enjoying life to the fullest.

Now, on an ordinary, solitary day -like the many I’ve had lately- I’d agree, but when you think about how at some point you may want something serious with someone and then they want to bail on you because he thinks going to Egypt is more important than being with you, without thinking about your relationship at home… Then I have a problem. See, I think you can replace a shoe, a necklace -I’m still not over the one I lost- a broom, etc.

But a person?

Tell me if I´m wrong but I did think that was a little too cold, even for me, who usually goes away and does that. I mean, when I leave I want to keep in touch with everyone and I never think about replacing them, I look forward to seeing them again.

We split in different directions on that part, other than that, I do believe you have to make the most of the moment and of the oportunites that come your way.

In conclution, I like him, but it was probably one of those people who you meet and they make a sudden impact in your life, because you never imagined they would exist. But then you don’t see them again.

Can I feel bad about it?

No, I enjoyed the moment and realizing that I’m not crazy and I’m not the only person who thinks my way. It was inspiring and I hope that if we ever get to cross paths again, that we become great friends.

Other than that, life goes on and I am glad to say, I’m not that depressed anymore.

Oh yeah, this may at first seem a little off the topic but I saw a Jason Mraz video this morning -or yesterday morning, whatever- that I had not seen since 2003. It was You and I Both, now I love that song and I ran down the stairs to see it, then a phrase that always had gotten my attention before, got my attention again.

“And it’s okay if you have go away
Oh just remember the telephone works both ways
And if I never ever hear them ring
If nothing else I’ll think the bells inside
Have finally found you someone else and that’s okay
Cause I’ll remember everything you sang”.

Was it a sign, or was I just meant to see the video after such a long time?

I won’t analize this one, I don’t want to ruin it.

….X

Blast from the past.

Work has brought out the best and the worst news in the whole year…or maybe I´m exaggerating. Either way, good news and bad news has come and gone.

I´ve been moving on, in an extremely awesome way: going out. Of course this is a full stereotype for a girl, but even if it goes against everything I´m use to doing; that´s the point. Being in touch with a more girly side, has helped out a lot since I got back. Still all the girls I hang out with like having male friends more, with the exception of each other.

Yet some habits are hard to stop. I continue to speak to more guys and the most recent of girls that I´ve been talking to are 2 girls and a gay. I guess you can consider him a girl since we do shop together and he´s more feminine than I am. We´ve gone shopping for my dress to my sisters wedding and bought an endless amount stupid things.

(just saying that last part about the shopping, makes me feel weird.)

So in the middle of my depression recovery, I went out last night. A friend randomly called me and we left off to a party. For a while we were lost but the neighborhood was full of parties, so we stopped at one and just to start somewhere.

My friend knew someone there so we stuck around for a while.

As we continued to look around I saw a tall, long haired brunette, who seemed to look god like in the slightly dim light. After a few seconds, I realized I use to like him a few years ago, I can actually considered him the last guy I ever really liked.

When I met him, I could see myself walking into a room with him, I could visualize him as my boyfriend. He wasn´t clingy, possesive, jealous and all those other things I hate. So I told our mutual friend -the one I was out with last night- that I had a crush on him. After such a long time since I liked someone I was being completely open about liking someone -which is rare-.

She followed my grand  revelation with a low “oooh” and I quickly asked what was wrong. She said he was “a bit of a whore”, that he had a girlfriend but tried flirting with her several times.

I´m not exactly sure how to continue talking about this, since that was pretty much -and obviously- the end of that. Of course I was disappointed but these things can only keep you down for so long.

So I stopped talking to him after months of talking to him on chat rooms and mindless websites.

So last night I saw him for the first time in 2 years. I pretended to not know who he was, I shook his hand and glanced away, I wanted to see if there was anything or anyone who could get me to stop staring at him.

The place had a bunch of girls hanging out in the patio and the street, all in dressed up as if they were to go to an actual place. The guys looked stuck up, also dressed as if they were going somewhere. It was 12am and they had a Dj, so I doubted they were getting together to go some place. 

Meanwhile, I refused to talk to this guy, I maybe got a word or two in, but as soon as my friend said she wanted to go stand outside; I didn´t waste a second and turned to start walking away.

As we stood outside, we saw how a block away; the street was dark, there was people dressed in black and walking around. My friend said she knew someone who was walking that way and I immediately told her: we should go! She seemed to doubt it, but it was too late, I was already walking towards the other party.

As we walked there, a group of guys started yelling things at us -neither of us knew any of them- one even yelled “I love you” as if that´s a way to pick up a girl. We started talking to some guys when we showed up (of course). I ran into an old friend from high school, we talked for about an hour about how bitter our group in high school was.

As he talked about how he has been, I remembered how much of a crush I had on him back in high school and how much I´ll always like him.

He´s effortlessly effortless – if that makes any sence- he doesn´t care about how people see him nor what he does, he lives by the minute and that´s all he cares about.

I would see him being rude and loud, all those things I normally hate, but on him, it works. I´m more of a fan of his than an actual person who has a crush.

I guess that´s how I can call it.

I´m a fan of his, minus the wearing-a-shirt-with-his-face-on-it or finding-out-everything-about-him-to-the-point-of-obsession, kind of fanatism.

Liking him is the only thing I can say I´m glad I´ve done for so many years.

And I´m the bad guy because…??

Five years ago, I started a job in which I met so many people, that I no longer keep in touch with. One of those people who I barely spoke to was a a guy who the only thing we had in common was that we both liked to draw.

He was more of a cartoon/anime kind of artist and I…I´m myself I guess.

One day I asked him to make a cartoon version of me; he said he couldn´t after a few atempts on my notebook.

A few months ago, I was looking through my things and I found the notebook, I got in touch with him and told him about my unfinished sketch. He told me he´d make it and send it to me later that day. Of course since I hadn´t seen him in years I didn´t count on him keeping his word.

So I was shocked when he contacted me and told me that it was ready.

I loved the sketch, it was the perfect way to end a bad weekend.

After a few days, he sent me another email.

He talked about how at some point he had a crush on me and the whole process of how he has felt for me thoughout the years (which surprises me, since I haven´t seen him since 2007). He told me little details about myself, which kind of freaked me out, he was sort of cheesy about it, but I knew -or thought- he was harmless.

I told him I was flattered but that I couldn´t offer him anything more than my friendship.

He later explained that he was drunk when he wrote that and he apologized for being so cheesy.

Of course I made not much of it. He was a friend and I would treat him as such.

He mentioned that he wrote a song about me, back when he got mad at me for a comment I made and admited to being a little too sensitive because he had just gone through a situation with another girl. I was still fine with him writing a song. I made no big deal about it, because it was all in the past and he agreed on seeing me as just a friend.

At some point he posted a comment and said something about  “bacon”. I´m a vegetarian, so I told him his comment was stupid. He kept insisting on with the “bacon” and I at some point replied “forget you, man”.

He then sent me a message saying that I was taking advantage of his crush on me, to hurt him. He said that I was being “low” and that he wasn´t even upset because I was being unfair. For some reason he thought I was mad and that I take things seriously, I thought that he was ridiculous and I told him that I was sick of having to explain myself, that I treat him like I treat everyone else. That if he was gonna act that way every time I said something slightly bad, that he might as well avoid talking to me.

He then replied that he did it on purpose, since he knew I was someone with a short temper, that he would take advantage of that so that I would say something to make him feel bad and that he was doing it to write songs about me.

I stopped talking to him for a while, I had to think about what I was gonna do about him. So one day I go and check my email, I find an email with a new sketch of me, I was flattered, but still angry. He tried apologizing but when he did, he would say something mean and then try to be funny about it. I couldn´t take him nor his -so called- apology seriously.  

So I continue being angry and decided to get him out of my life before he did any more damage. I wanted to be suttle (which for a person with as much patience as myself, it´s a challange) yet still sound angry. Also, I didn´t want to give him more things to write about.

I told my cousin and a friend about the situation and asked for their opinion on what to say.

I came up with this: I no longer wish to talk to you and if you see me someday, pretend I´m not there. I hope someday your balls drop and you can stop acting like a bi$(h. Now go write a song about that.

After that he sent me a message and 5 different emails, the last one was recent.

He told me that “sex illuminated his mind”. At least enough to send me another irritating email, after I told him to stop.

In conclution, I´m not sure what happened to this guy and any other guy who has seemed sweet and for whatever reason turned into little a-holes to try and prove a point. A point that I still don´t understand.

Just because you can curse, drink, smoke and have sex, does it mean you are an adult, no ID can help the mind mature. I do wish for him to grow up and I don´t mean it in a stuck up -look at me I´m so mature- kind of way. I mean it so they can be men some day and get a girl who truly appreciates him/them for who he/they are.

But for the record, I think it would be unfair for me to take it as a joke and not stand up for myself when he is obviously making me look bad.

A person can only be nice for so long.

The Tool.

Who´s the fellow, with too much hair gel? The Tool.

Who´s the f&)ker, with too much pucker? The Tool.

If The Tool had a song, it would have lyrics like those, even though I don´t completely hate him, I can´t help but be annoyed by him. In many ways, I feel bad for him, because whatever he may try/say/do will not be enough for me to like him, it will not get my attention.

Yesterday, a friend and I came to the conclution that he thinks I like him. But today, I came to the conclution that he wants me to like him. Yesterday as I passed by his working area, he -once again- looked at me, smiled and winked at me.

I still think he´s ridiculous.

Today, I tried to ignore him and as I passed by him; he yelled out after me. I turned and smiled, then walked away as fast as possible.

He looks over with me a lot, if for whatever reason -beyond my comprehension- he likes me… Well, quite frankly I won´t know what to do.

I guess it can be flattering, to all the morons who think he´s important.

Personally, I don´t see what´s so special either about him, nor myself that he has to find a way to get my attention, you´d think that he´d see me and want nothing to do with the girl in a t-shirt and jeans.

Whatever it is that I´m doing to attract these guys that I care nothing about, I hope I stop doing it, because this is getting annoying.

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